A random conversation between me and my friend that intended to be a gossiping session ended up to be one of the most inspirational moment for me, at least in the most recent times.
I always thought I had been "understanding" enough, but I realized that my understanding only extend to the limits of my own and not others.
I have lacked compassion and empathy, especially towards people that I think have it easier in life, compared to me.
It's not to say I had it tough, I actually like to think that I have always been very lucky, I have not met with situations that have caused me to have intense difficulty nor hurdles that I think I cannot go through. However, I did grew up in a difficult situation that always had people say sorry (unsure if they feel sorry for me as I don't read too much into it) right at my face (my dad was not around, single parent family, bla bla bla). But I was never offended, because I grew out of it when I was very young and accepted that is that. Nothing more or less.
My family did struggle a bit because we were not very well off, but my mother did great in feeding us and I always felt like I was rich enough for myself because she had never said no to me, not in ways that would disappoint me.
Hence, I grew up in situations that I assumed was a bit tougher than most "normal" families.
I have met experiences that most would not experience, and I assumed I had it tougher than most people, at least. I never realized I had it in me, until a friend pointed out that everyone has different life experiences, and it doesn't mean that if I had it tougher than others, then others who had it "easier" could possibly do it if I can. Perhaps hurdles that I myself see as small would not be the same way as how people deemed it. It's plainly because we are all very different, and empathy would help a lot in these situations.
It hit me hard in the face. I lacked empathy for most of my conversations with my friends, and automatically assumes that if I can do it, you can do it. Instead of focusing or talk about what they might experience that resulted in them to feel inadequate to face the hurdle, I usually push them to achieve, because I "assume" if I can, then you can. I think that's where the toxic comes from.
I have always been a strong believer that if you want a change, you be the changer.
But I lacked the understanding and compassion to understand why can't they be the changer?
Perhaps its due to lack of confidence, lack of support and encouragement. If I could let go of the "why can't you....", and start being mindful and focus on them, and start encouraging them... and just be more supportive - that would be much more helpful, rather than just dismissing them and pushing them to achieve what I solely think that they can achieve..
I think I still need a lot of work and practice to learn about empathy, but like what a good friend who has always reminded me:
"At least you have the awareness now."
I have been wanting to write about this to give myself a little reminder, and I am glad I finally did.
Here's to empathy, understanding and compassion.
And here's to all my friends who had always been direct to me, thank you!
Sometimes we spend so much time in our minds, we forget to take a look at ourselves from the 3rd POV and start checking on ourselves.
Here's to hoping the pandemic to end soon and meeting all my friends and family.
xoxo